Loneliness

Loneliness

Loneliness is intimately linked to the quality of our connections. People describe it as a feeling of ‘emptiness’ of ‘disconnection’ in some way. Despite vast numbers of people surrounding us in huge cities, it is surprisingly easy to be lonely in a crowd.

People who are lonely are twice as likely to be depressed. It is related to stress,  worry and anxiety, and 1/5 people who visit their primary care doctor do so because of loneliness-see The Jo Cox Loneliness Commission Report ‘Combatting Loneliness One Conversation at a Time’.

So, who is more likely to be lonely? The age group 16-24 reports the most loneliness.  This then tails away for many people before re-emerging in the over 75s. Other specific groups who are lonely include people with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) who want to be friends with people as much as anyone else, but others may miss their cues. People who have anxiety, specifically social anxiety. People with depression are often lonely as they withdraw from activity. People in minoritsed ethnic groups, or LGBTQIA+ can be lonely, but not because they belong to these groups, but when they feel discriminated against.

‘Dudes rock’, but dudes don’t tend to have a rock, possibly because deep friendships are hard without vulnerability and some men find vulnerability hard. Saying you are lonely can be a taboo subject despite so many people admitting to being lonely behind closed doors.  We are told it is good to talk, but what if you can’t? What if you can’t express emotions? What if it is hard to disclose personal information? What if you feel a burden to others? Interestingly people can be more willing to disclose personal information to a chat bot as they don’t feel judged, but whether AI/chat bots have something to offer people who are lonely is a controversial topic, especially for people who are vulnerable.

I’m looking forward to February 13th,  which is both Galentines and Palentines Day…a day to celebrate and honour friends!

20 top tips:

1.     Loneliness is usually temporary, and in these circumstances, it is normal when making life transitions. Loneliness can tell us we need to reconnect in some way.

2.     Ask why am I lonely? Are my current relationships giving me what I need? Am I geographically isolated? This is the idea of ‘propinquity’. Is there a language barrier? Am I engaging with valued activities, a club, a new activity or pastime?

3.     Go against your gut instinct and  starting a conversation with someone and not fearing rejection.

4.     Commit to repeating this.

5.     Look up old friends and acquaintances and reach out.

6.     Don’t assume people have hostile intentions. Shyness and nervousness can look hostile.

7.     If you are stuck, feeling bad about yourself or are being overly self -critical,  and need to develop a more balanced view of yourself or others, a suitably qualified and supervised therapist might be able to help. You can also discuss this with your primary care physician.

8.     Friends can see us through the hard times and celebrate the good times, but friendships don’t just happen. You need to be intentional and engage in social activities.

9.     Relax, slow down, don’t run, and take your time with building friendships. It takes time.

10.  If you meet someone you like…ask for their contact details. If they say no, don’t take it personally, some people simply don’t give out their contact details.

11.  If you invite someone to meet, don’t be afraid of them saying ‘no’…don’t assume they are avoiding you.

12.  When lonely we tend to focus on negative information and see negativity even when it isn’t there, so learn to ignore that gut sensitivity to rejection and see the good in everyone… expect the best!

13.  When you leave the event, don’t engage in a post-mortem of what went wrong, if you must, review what went well and commit to repeating the experience.

14.  If you attend a group, assume people like you,

15.   Engage in conversation if you can, and exchange contacts with people you like. Send them a message, invite them to hang out again.

16.  Diversify groups you hang out with because people in different places offer different things.

17.  Manage expectations. People you meet don’t have to be best friends, different people can offer different intensity and quality of connections.

18.  If you are in a romantic relationship, having a set of friends and doing things outside of the relationship can make the relationship even better!

19.  Loneliness usually doesn’t last if you take the initiative,

20.  Remember loneliness is normal, you have more control than you think and don’t be afraid to reach out for help if needed.

References

Marisa G. Franco “Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make and keep friends”

Kate Vellos “We Should Get Together: The secret of cultivating better friendships”

Nicola Morgan “The Teenage Guide to Friends”

Gillian Butler “Overcoming Shyness and Social Anxiety 2nd edition”

Jo Cox Loneliness Commission “Combatting Loneliness One Conversation at a Time”

https://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/jcf/pages/164/attachments/original/1620919309/rb_dec17_jocox_commission_finalreport.pdf?1620919309

Campaign to end loneliness (www.campaigntoendloneliness.org) The Psychology of Loneliness: Why it matters and what we can do

Loneliness and Social Isolation in Mental Health Network

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/psychiatry/research/epidemiology-and-applied-clinical-research-department/loneliness-and-social-isolation